Knowing When to Walk Away

Yesterday I made a really difficult decision: I decided to stop reading  a book. 

Now, that isn't all that rare.  I have a personal "3 chapters" policy.  If I am unsure about a book that I am reading for my own enjoyment, I give it 3 chapters. At that point, I give myself the freedom to set it aside and move on. I spent a lot of years slogging through stuff I didn't like and being weighed down by guilt, so this is a really freeing policy.  

There is a book for every reader, and every book has a reader, but that doesn't mean every book is for every reader.  

Some books or writers are just not my cup of tea.  I move on. No problemo. 

That isn't what happened yesterday. 

image courtesy of Amazon.com

I have been reading Challenger Deep by Neal Shusterman, winner of the National Book Award for Young People's Literature.  The book is so incredibly powerful. Beautiful. Mysterious.  Terrifying at times, amusing at others. 
and let me say, it is an amazing book. I am not just saying that, it really is. 

In some ways, it reminded me of Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury in that for quite a bit I was unsure who people were and what was actually happening, then when I realized, it hit me right between the eyes. 

Challenger Deep is like that.  There are times I was confused, but I stuck with it, and when I finally realized what was actually happening it legitimately took by breath away.  I stopped reading for  a moment just to consider all that was happening and all that it meant.   

And then I became deeply uncomfortable.  

But that, in and of itself, is not a bad thing.  

At the risk of being mildly spoiler-ish, the book deals with mental illness. (I knew that, at least superficially, before starting).  

However, it is so real, so raw, so personal, that it was very unsettling.   Which, let's be honest, is really the point.  And it is what gives Challenger Deep its power.  That personal connection, the insight and depth into a world that may be very unrelatable.  

Or it could be very, very relatable.  

Yesterday, while reading, there was a passage in which I found my heart racing and my mind so disquieted that I had to set the book aside.  

Not just for a minute or five, but for a while.  

I am not sure when I will go back to the book. If ever.

And that is a difficult decision for me to make, not one I take lightly. 

But here is the thing, I think that in our lives, each of us (doctor or otherwise) is called to do no harm, and that includes to ourselves. We need to know ourselves and know our limits. And, in a lot of ways, that means respecting those limits and knowing when to take a break or walk away entirely. 

I have read all of the  Game of Thrones books

image courtesy of Amazon.com

, but I have seen none of the shows.  This is a 100% conscious decision (we own all of them on blu-ray) because I know that I personally can't watch movies/performances/shows where there is violence against women. Especially sexual violence.  Especially gratuitous.  And much has been written about Game of Thrones/HBO and their chronic disrespect for women, objectification of women, and willingness to use violence against women as a ratings tool. I will not stand for it, so I don't watch it.

I made that decision out of respect for myself, my sensibilities, and knowing what I can and can't tolerate.  

And those limits are different for everyone. 

Everyone has their limits and issues, whether they know them or not, and hopefully if those are reached we all realize the beauty in "do no harm" and respect our limits enough to actually obey them. 

With Challenger Deep, I ran abruptly into one and struggled with how to deal with it.  

I personally know many people who have been affected by mental illness.  Some have risen above it, others not.  All have struggled, some more deeply than others.  

To watch the people you know and love struggle is difficult, I knew that. 

To experience a walk through that mental illness in such a  profound and personal way as in Challenger Deep was so very unsettling that I had to recognize a limit, respect it, and back away from it. 

Let me say this: I know 100% that this is an issue of privilege.  I have the privilege of being able to take a step away from mental illness, catch my breath, and decide when, if ever, I step back in. I completely understand that those in the depths of the battle do not have this privilege which I experience. 

And, in some ways, it is the reason I am fairly sure I will eventually finish Challenger Deep.  I need to know what happens. I need to continue the journey. I need to feel the disquiet and know that there is still life and perhaps hope and possibly healing. 

But today is not the day for that.  Perhaps it is because I am tired or stressed out. Maybe it is the constant onslaught of negativity from the news and election cycle that has my entire self on edge. I don't know. I just know that I need to take a break from the book, and I need to be kind enough to myself to recognize that and obey it. 

When tackling difficult issues and texts, I think it can be important to know your limits and know when to walk away, even if you will eventually venture back.